She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
In America we eat man semen.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
