you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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