I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
