Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
