Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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