Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
