omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
