just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
