and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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