Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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