Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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