I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
