wrigley field is MILF paradise
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
