Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
