i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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