the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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