whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
