My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
