I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
