I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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