Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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