When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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