I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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