bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
