Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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