When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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