just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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