I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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