somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
