You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
