I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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