Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
we're making bets on your personal life
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
