I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
