best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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