Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He passed out mid-signature
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
