we have pet lesbian snakes
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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