pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
