every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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