I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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