I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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