so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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