all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I stole a fireplace last night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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