Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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