I'm going to jail i love you
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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