I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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