Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
