Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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