Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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