Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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