wrigley field is MILF paradise
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
