Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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