Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
