my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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