i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
