my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.