how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
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Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.