No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms