I accidentally burped into my bong.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
